WALLFLOWER

What a way to end 2006…

Its been ages since I poured my feelings here… I’ve got tonnes of things on my mind but I never seem to have the time to type it all out. Mix feelings; jumbled up emotions. Let’s begin…. I’m going to sit back, relax and start recollecting my moments of joy, sadness, stress, boredom, regrets and love that happened within the last 365++days.

* thinking… thinking hard*

I guess.. One of the best things that I’ve experienced was a trip to BALI with my family last December. *Mesmerized* It was everything that I’ve ever dream off. A girl who has never left the country *well I did.. but that was to Singapore when i was 12 didnt quite sound like an adventure to me* was a dream come true. The night before I left for Bali.. I was busy checking my Camera to see if it’s ok and also packing 3 rolls of film which I still feel it wasn’t enough. It was a trip that I really needed. I had to go alone as my family were there a day earlier… *couldn’t get my leave approved.. so let’s not go there… sheesh* I had to change my flight ticks… everything on my own.. but thanks to my lovely darling friend, Ros and her kind helpful boyfriend (who never knew my existence till i dropped an S-O-S sms to his gf to help me with the flight ticks) who has helped me sorting out my flight. *sigh* .. Needless to say, 3 days wasn’t enough at all but it was memorable… there were just so many places that I really wanted to go but didn’t get the chance too * not enough time* Another thing that I enjoyed the most besides snapping photos was their music.. Gamelan music… it’s just sooo mystical and soothing.

For the very first time.. This girl who had always listened and dream about ppl stories on bali have finally get to feel it for herself. The people there were friendly and funny too… esp.. the people that I met at the airport…the policemen… the “mas” tourguide who drove us around… the extremely loud ladies who I bought cool bags from… there’s just so nice..

I cherished every single thing and promised myself that one day.. i’ll come back.. n this time… i’ll make sure to bring extra roll of films hehe… and spend more time there and be one with the island *haha*

Coming back from Bali.. KL was just too stressful for me… everything stressed me out… getting peace of mind was merely a thought which was unreachable. Even my mum couldn’t stop comparing Bali to KL ever since she got back which means she must’ve been really stressed out here.. heheh..

Bali was the highlight of my 2006… other than that.. it was just the same-o-same-o for the last 365++days —- ppl’s antics, kl jams, stress, pollution and again stress…. little by little I’m beginning to keep feeling that i’m digging into a deeper hole and soon it will be too deep for me to get myself out of.

What a way to start 2007…

Ha!! End of 2006 was treacherous.. N ever since then… happiness was just a word that has no meaning to me. A disastrous end to a frustrating beginning. That’s what it was. the moment the clocks strikes midnight and the whole world celebrates the beginning of a new year, all I feel was to crawl into my bed and hide myself under the blanket. From day 1 till today.. I have been faced with frustration and exhaustion. Frustration: with matters of work and also heart. Exhaustion: with the way my life keeps going thru the same unhappy cycle that never seems to end

Finding ways of working my way around all this unhappiness has yet to come to mind. Maybe I should put myself first and stop accommodating to other people’s feelings and focus on ME. Selfish as I may sound; living for other ppl is not exactly my idea of fulfilling my life. Being optimistic doesn’t pay off all the time when life keeps turning the other way around. Maybe it’s karma.. I may have done something previously to deserve all these. i am not content. i am not going to waste another year being unhappy. All i see right now is a girl who is unhappy with herself but is hiding everything behind her mask in order to fulfill other ppl’s expectations…

i will change.. i will be better.. n when i do… i’ll continue writing… i will take and turn all my ordeals and into something pretty n when it happens.. I will tell u. till then…. We’ll see

-Wallflower:New Book Same Story